We’re in AMERICA, Fuckass. It’s pronounced ‘ORange!’– Martin
“Oh my god. I put my bare ass all over where children put their faces.” #not sorry.
1: Just because he doesn't wanna have sex with you doesn't mean he doesn't wanna hit you in the face with his dick
2: Swaffling is not hitting, it's gentle prodding.
Me and Kung Fu Panda are on a first name basis.– TJ
MAX, I CAN FEEL YOUR DICK WITH MY DICK!
Yanno, some people might actually think we’re retarded…
I’m sorry you got cockblocked by Jesus.
10 year old brother: he's attacking me with a pen!
12 year old brother: he's attacking me with a fu man chu!
No, fuck you, take this peso!– Keith
It’s probably really hard to dance with Gusher’s in your crotch
The four year old I'm babysitting when I start a movie for him: I hate THX. And 20th century fox. They all drive me insane! INSANE!
He loves her with all his wieners!
Griffin: “The definition of ‘straight’ is having two, three, or four beats per measure.” Nico: “Wow, my sexuality class was completely wrong.” Griffin: “Seriously, if that were the definition of straight, I would be, like, the gayest thing ever.”
I bet Canadians smoke maple leaves.
Kissing hands is so weird. I feel like I’m accidentally going to lick your...– Erica
Three hobos in library
Hobo 1: (to Erica) I like your fuzzy hat.
Hobo 2: (to me) I like your scarf
Hobo 3: (to an undetermined person, talking about logan) Your boyfriend has a nice ass.
My creative penis just exploded
That looks like a sex cobra
Me: Where are my glasses?
Mom: Uhhhh I didn't eat them!!!
No idea why that was her default response, I'm concerned now ;)
Dead kittens are never the answer, Mom.
Holy shit. The Haitian is a human roofie.
I think those old people farted in the elevator!
Just google “how to turn on the Bluetooth in my Soul
I should get myself a sugar daddy..– Evan (my brother)
Is it socially acceptable to tell someone they have nice breasts from across two...
No, you have to say Reggy(male) has nice tits
go angsturbate or something and be done
If you have an affinity for collarbones.. does that make it a collarboner?– ~Izzi
he’d be like “what the fuck is that?” and I’d be like...